No More What Ifs

After more than 7 years of living with, coping with, and managing infertility, we were so tired.  If you asked me how I was, all I could say was exhausted.  Of the many things that are exhausting about infertility, and there are many, I was tired of living with the uncertainty and constantly trying to anticipate life.  It’s what my husband and I called, “what ifs”.

“What if” is such a theme in the life of any infertile couple, and that constant guess work, where every single aspect of your life, even non-baby related, are based on so many what-if scenarios.  You’re doing it so long, month-to-month, that you don’t even realize the damage it’s come to do, and how it’s become counter productive, just spinning your wheels.  It’s such a common experience that you’ll often find it referred to as the “Land of If” in blogs and books.

I had yet to read blogs and books, and wasn’t aware of this being a common phenomenon.  But somehow, in this 7th year of our infertility journey, I found myself telling my husband, I’m tired of making our life decisions based on “what ifs”.  I found myself wanting to be free of decision-making that depended on what if scenario, and just live our lives.  After so many years, it was clear, that no matter what scenarios we could anticipate, there were endless more outcomes that we never imagined.  It was an exercise in futility.  We weren’t living.  Just waiting.  And I was tired.  I was done.

I announced that I would no longer entertain what ifs, and would only make decisions based on what we knew.

No more “What If Scenarios!”

It was so liberating.  It didn’t change our infertility or realities, but it changed something else.  I felt freed in a way I can’t described.

I did begin to read personal stories, blogs, books.  I still haven’t explored why I had avoided it for so long.

After a few months, I started designing this blog.  Hence, the name, “Beyond What Ifs”.  It captured our life, perhaps the life of all Infertiles, from the point at which we stop living in the “Land of If”, without dismissing how real that place is.

After a few months, I started this blog, but within another couple of months had to put it on hold when suddenly everything changed.

And it was only when we stopped with “what ifs” that things changed for us.  We became parents.

(look forward to writing more about how)

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